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a year in review...

“I want to stop feeling this way,” I cried, standing in our apartment kitchen with Zach. “I feel like we have said that too many times this year, Kitty,” he shared as he looked down at his feet in disbelief. It was the morning of Wednesday, November 28 th  and we had just found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat at 8 weeks. It was my second appointment with my OB and they discovered our sweet baby was gone.  Zach and I had been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half, thinking 2018 was a wash due to all the stress we had endured this year. We were elated when we found out we were pregnant in late October and it was, by far, the best day of our lives. I surprised him, standing in that very same kitchen, with a pregnancy test wrapped in an Amazon box I had found in the garage. His reaction was beautiful and to this day, I wish I had recorded it as I did the reaction of our family’s weeks later in Michigan and Canada. He had tears in his eyes and he just kept asking
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Déjà vu

There is no doubt in my mind that things happen for a reason. The pendulum I have been on the last 8 years since losing John has been one of complete and utter desperation to full blown happiness. This post has many angles and without a shadow of a doubt, incredible admiration and emotion. Most of all, though these last few months still make zero sense, I know there has to be a reason or a higher purpose/involvement. Zach’s dad, my father-in-law, has esophageal cancer. Even writing it down brings me to tears much less, thinking about he feels, how Dixie feels, how the Cunningham family feels, how Jenny feels and what Mellie must think, and how overwhelming this must be for my husband. When you go through seeing someone you love fight cancer you think to yourself, “Okay, that’s it. I can’t do another round ever again.” It is all too close and it is all too real. Raw thoughts combined with what needs to be positivity is a constant bridge I cross on a daily basis since finding out Mike
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5 years...

Next week, I am going to Florida to take John home . I have been toting him around from state to state, house to house and without avail, unwilling to let him go. Finally, I am ready and so is he. This November 12 th will be the 5 year mark and after all this time, I can say that I am truly in a mindset to place him where he has always wanted to be…in the ocean. You know those daily reminders you receive via social media? Timehop…”On This Day” from Facebook…all letting you know what you did, on this day, 1, 2, 3, etc. years ago? As I approach the 5 year anniversary, I am reminded of what the days were like approaching his leave and what healing has looked like since then. I have been reading back through each blog, at each milestone and cannot believe the life I have had. I am reminded that this little life we have is truly magical and there is so much to be thankful for. I am taking this journey to the beach with Michelle at sunrise…the one who has seen me through this the
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grace...

To me, grace is the perfect word. This word has had such an impact on my self worth and I try to remind myself on a daily basis that grace is a gift. Grace is transcendent just like a few people I have met along the way. Debbie Smith was definitely one of those people. I met Natalie my freshman year of high school during our JV volleyball tryouts and we became instant friends. Though we did not grow up together, we were inseparable since the day we met. It was like we had known each other for years and that friendship permeated throughout our families. My mom loved Natalie and soon became friends with her parents, Wayne and Debbie. There was a beautiful connection between the three that I still have a hard time explaining. They did not go out on weekends, they did not see each other outside of our sporting events much, but when they saw each other on a weekly basis, it was like they were best of friends, as well. Wayne and Debbie knew the struggles my mom went through to support
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four years...

I want to start by updating everyone on my mom’s current health. It is incredible to witness the strength of that woman. She was in a terrifying head-on collision and has lived to tell about it. Though she continues to be in agony and is walking with a cane, she smiles through it all. That Peruvian spitfire will not settle for giving up, but rather be an example of strength and grace through it all. She may have more surgeries in her future and will continue to be in pain for months, maybe even years to come, but that will not stop her from making someone smile or continuing to be my inspiration of that very grace she has shown throughout this ordeal. Oh, how proud I am of my mom and am so thankful that day did not take her away from us. Thank you, God. Now, I bring myself to remember this day, 4 years ago. It has been 4 years to the day that John left this earth. Within those 4 years there have been a lot of tears, grieving, growth, and as of late, a whole lot of smiling. I did n
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