and then there was one...

Grief . An incredibly strong statement with so many connotations attached to such a relentless word. It weighs a lot…it can sit on you like a ton of bricks…it can carry you through your time here on earth when you do not know what else to feel…it can push you down and hold you there…it can feel as if it is grabbing your heart and ripping it right out of your chest…it can come unexpectedly and make you feel so small…it can make you feel alone even when there are so many around you who love and care for you…it can be all you think about and even worse, all you dream about…it can break you down on your better days…it is grief. The past year and a half I have been feeling these things periodically and they were pretty much a part of my week to week, not day to day so much anymore. There were a lot more good days than bad but there would randomly be a reminder of loss and that word again…grief. As I would manage this grief, I would keep myself distracted and realized I was making great pr...

Sitting …crossed legged…staring right in front of me…waiting for something to happen. My site is clearly a blur and there is little noise…just the buzzing of stale air around me. Why am I still sitting? I cannot seem to come to a slow crawl and when I think I have that momentum to lift myself up to do so, something else reminds me I need to sit back down. It happens that way…in waves…I think I am a pretty strong person but am reminded by my surroundings that I am as fragile as a wilted leaf hanging on for dear life half way through the fall season. I am in the midst of my fall. The month of November is already here. Can I say it? I hate November. I hate it with every ounce of my being. Tomorrow is John’s 29 th birthday, the 12 th will be the one year anniversary of his passing, the 15 th was the day of the funeral, and the 17 th will be my 28 th birthday. What a great time to celebrate isn’t it? What is the point really? Is there one? As each day passes with the different d...

This post has been a long time coming. I have written thoughts down several times in the last eight months but erase every word at the end…or I start writing and distract myself from feeling the pain of opening up again, so I stop. It is funny how writing now is so hard, but in the thick of it all it was my saving grace. The words would pour themselves on the page and I had no filter. My fingers would start flying across the keyboard and it felt so natural…in the thick of it all. Since 2011 hit, I cannot find the words to save my life . I continue to get encouragement from family and friends to continue writing and even emails from complete strangers. I am reminded how it is an outlet and how good it is for me but again, cannot find the words. I know three words that cannot stop repeating themselves every single day…I miss you. Those words are spoken, thought of, and cried aloud every day. I miss you . Distractions have come to me in many forms since his passing…school, work, fri...