the first of 2011...

This post has been a long time coming. I have written thoughts down several times in the last eight months but erase every word at the end…or I start writing and distract myself from feeling the pain of opening up again, so I stop. It is funny how writing now is so hard, but in the thick of it all it was my saving grace. The words would pour themselves on the page and I had no filter. My fingers would start flying across the keyboard and it felt so natural…in the thick of it all. Since 2011 hit, I cannot find the words to save my life.

I continue to get encouragement from family and friends to continue writing and even emails from complete strangers. I am reminded how it is an outlet and how good it is for me but again, cannot find the words. I know three words that cannot stop repeating themselves every single day…I miss you. Those words are spoken, thought of, and cried aloud every day. I miss you. Distractions have come to me in many forms since his passing…school, work, friends, etc. Those distractions last for a bit but John finds his way back into my thoughts every other minute. Those feelings will not go away. At times, I am completely consumed by the pain and selfishness of wanting him here with me. Other times, I cry in agony because I can literally feel my heart break every time I think of how cheated I feel. I cry knowing how much pain he was in for eight months. I cry knowing if he were here, I would not have to be alone. I cry knowing I can never see him, hug him, or kiss his beautiful face one more time. It is a never ending cycle.

Since my last update I went through a great change…I moved out on my own. John and I had lived with Michelle through our engagement and marriage, through treatment, and through his death. I thankfully had her to help and continue to encourage me through this bumpy process. Walking into our bedroom in Michelle’s condo was a constant reminder of the nightly vomiting, nightmares, draining of fluid, crying, laughter, love, pain, pressure, depression, etc. I could go on forever as to what that room reminded me of…and half the time, I would expect to see him in our bed when I would come home from work for him to tell me how he did that day. So…I took a leap. I went on a search to find my own place and finally found one. Moved in over a quick weekend and unearthed so many possessions John and I shared in our almost seven years together. So many of our things still scatter my new home but I feel more comfortable with the mess…I just feel as if things are still a figurative mess.

Our anniversary was on June 16^th…it would have been our two year wedding anniversary. I woke up that morning sitting on the edge of my bed, acknowledging that the day was supposed to be ours. I closed my eyes, saw his face, and had a sense of calm flood my body. It was a weird feeling but for some reason, I held on to it as long as I could. Yes, we eloped in Vegas and did the standard exchange of vows that day two years prior…but what very few know was we exchanged our own heartfelt vows privately to each other that night. We stood there, in the middle of our hotel room, looking into each other’s eyes and pouring our hearts into each syllable. It was, by far, the best night of my life. Fast forward two years later, and I am on a plane to my best friend’s wedding in San Francisco. I was apprehensive going to a wedding when at the moment, I felt so fragile. It was so beautiful to see so many old faces again. The day of the wedding came and I was excited to be there…saw her walk down the aisle…saw their smiling faces meet…and listened to their thoughtful vows. That is when it hit me…I broke down and could not catch my breath. I had a panic attack at the wedding ceremony and tried my best to keep it in. With friends all around me, they could tell I was slowly slipping and they all reached out and put their hands on me to bring me back. I finally caught my breath and realized the vows exchanged were so similar to the ones John and I had in the hotel room two years prior. Their sweet love made me miss mine and though I was happy for them, I felt completely alone and abandoned.

Since my last post and prior to the wedding, I was distracted with other things. Since the wedding, I felt as if I went a hundred miles an hour backwards. Not sure of the consequences of filling my void with other things or people, I did not realize I would fall so hard, so fast. I am now sitting in my own mess…and finally sitting in it alone like I need to be. Everyone, thoughtfully so, has been wanting to sit in it with me…but it is my time, to take reign of my sorrow and crawl through the mess on my own. Even though this has been and continues to be painful, I know it is something that I need and have been avoiding. Luckily, I have had some guidance through the drift backwards. I am not ashamed to say I have been seeing a counselor for a while now. It has helped me to prepare for the ups and downs to follow this sorrowful process.

Through this grieving, I have not felt like myself. I am trying to find who I am without John here. I have pushed people away, embraced those who have not been the best for me, said things I regret, processed words in the worst way, and have no idea how I get out of bed in the morning half the time. I am thankful for those who know where I am right now and love me through this. I know I make mistakes and I am nowhere near perfect, but I am trying. I am trying so hard to figure out how to still be a good daughter, sister and friend without letting the word “widow” swallow me whole. So…I am sorry. I am so sorry…please continue to be patient with me.

I cannot believe that this time last year, John and I were on a cruise. I cannot believe how time has flown by…I cannot believe in three months, we will be reminded of the anniversary of his passing.

So here it is. My first post of 2011…still very much in the shadow of last year and still feeling every ounce of grief I felt November 12, 2010. I hope I continue this trend of letting it all out…and though I will never regret the journey, I will and continue to always miss him. 

http://johnandcatgoddard.blogspot.com/