perspective...

Ahhhh…perspective. It is a beautiful thing. When you find it, you realize you have missed it so much. It is like that wonderful friend you have not seen in so long and when you finally see them face to face once more, you feel whole. 

Last week I went to Michigan to see my family…my beautiful, hilarious, and loving family. A few months ago my parents made the trek to Michigan from Indiana for a great career change my dad was presented with the prior year. I was fortunate to have my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew under the same roof that week. The house was full…full of love and like I said…perspective. I did not realize I had lost it so long ago and then found it until I was on my way home. I was sitting at the Detroit airport, waiting for my flight back, delayed four hours and was in disbelief of what I had experienced that week. I was supposed to be studying…getting ahead on homework for the term but instead was thinking about where I have been the last few months and how many strides I have made in the right direction. 

I mentioned last time the guilt I had been carrying around with me. I could not seem to shake it and had no idea why. I am not saying I am cured of this guilt completely, but I am getting to the root of why this emotion had settled in my soul…it is starting to feel amazing and quite groundbreaking. There is so much I share on this blog, and it feels good to have this outlet, but this guilt and the root of it all was something John and I experienced years ago. Who knew that I had tucked it away for so long and never addressed the pain. Thankfully, I have found it…and now, I am facing it head on…this time, standing. I used to say I had to sit in my own mess to understand my emotions, to deal with the loss of John, to become clean again, but ironically enough, I did not give myself credit or grace for crawling and now, I am standing. I am still in the muck, but it feels incredible to stand once again. I am wiping the muck off me, seeing it fall at my feet and starting to feel clean again. 

The probability of me finding it on my own would have been impossible and would have taken me years of letting this guilt suffocate me. Because I sought help it no longer feels like a mountain…any dark emotions are few and far between and are becoming more and more manageable. I am feeling happiness and it feels nauseatingly impressive. I know I will continue to have my days…and I know there will be feelings of sadness that will continually creep up, but now I have the tools to deal with and analyze them before falling too hard back down. I know I am capable of loving again…but when? An answer I feel very strongly about is "not for a while” and I am okay with that thought. On the other hand, the beautiful thing that I have now realized and what has been put into great perspective is that I am capable of being loved once again. I did not think I was worthy or that I deserved to be loved by anyone other than family and friends but since spending time with those who know me best, I now know I will be loved unconditionally once again. It will not be the same, but I know it will be just as earth shattering and you can only guess the one person who will bring him to me. My love for John will never change…missing him will never go away…but I can say, he is with me in a much better place now. A place we discussed I should be in when he was in his final weeks of his sweet life…a place where I know he would be proud of me for being. 

Thank you my love…thank you for always being next to me and for bringing me the people you know I have needed in this journey without you. Thank you for being so selfless in your words and for sending me little reminders every once in a while to show you are still here. I never thought I would know what it would be like to stand again, but you are the one who reached out your hand and pulled me to my feet.