the move...

My New Year’s resolutions consisted of several promises I wanted/needed to keep for myself. A resolution can be a funny beast. You have the best of intentions to own them and do your best, but sometimes you can stare them down without proving you can show movement on your list. One of my resolutions was this blog. I was so great at keeping up with my writing years ago and then let it fall off when I did not feel like talking. Sometimes it felt as if I had nothing to share. In all actuality, I do still have quite a bit to talk about and being lazy about putting my thoughts together took precedent over taking care of my soul like I should have been doing all along. Writing is something that comes so naturally to me and is incredibly therapeutic in ways I could have never imagined. There were other resolutions that followed including more yoga to feel centered and allowing my creativity to flow whether on a canvas or gathering photos for some sort of scrapbook. I did not know the direction of that creativity, but wanted so desperately to let it out.

As I sit here on my bed, boxes and clothes spread all over my room, I realized one of my resolutions did come true and I stuck with the idea enough for it to come into fruition. I am moving back home. I went to visit my family in Dallas over the New Year’s weekend and the little piece of my heart I felt was empty, became full again…I found what was missing. Looking into the eyes of my brother, sister in law, nephew and niece made me realize how much I missed them more than normal and how much I longed to be there in a more permanent way in their presence. I honestly toyed with the idea a few months before but that trip solidified my need to be around them.

 This move does not come without an incredible amount of sadness. When John passed away over two years ago, I was lucky enough to have the most amazing friends welcome me with open arms…those who were a part of the day to day hell of treatment and loss and those who found me as a broken mess right after. It was like John had placed these beautiful people all around me to heal my heart from an absolute darkness that I would have never been able to pull myself out of on my own. These friends, who I now call my family, brought me a laughter I thought I could never feel again, eternal relationships that filled my heart with an immense amount of joy, and a love that I did not think I was deserving of again in this lifetime. They reminded me of that confident person I could be once again with a complete support that never wavered. That feeling of comfort and the strength they had to carry me all these years is unreal. It is a rarity to find one person like this in your life and I have been lucky enough to have an entire group of them with these qualities. As I run down the list of names in my mind, I sit here with eyes full of tears and cannot believe how lucky I am. Even more so, there are a special few of you who have had the courage to reach far down into my heart and who have continued to hold on with both hands. You have never let go and I know you never will. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you as I will continue to do so always and forever. Thank you for being patient with me and taking the time to break down walls I thought I would never let fall. Thank you for always listening even when my thoughts did not seem to add up or all I wanted to do was cry. As many times as I fell down, face first in dealing with the loss of my soul mate and with my past, you were always there in your own way to bring me to my feet and tell me that “everything was going to be okay.” Thanks to you, it has been…I am okay.

As these strides continue with my growth, I know that last piece of the puzzle is in the hands of my family and that of my own. The move back to Dallas is where my heart is leading me now. The day is quickly approaching where I will make the road trip with my brother and this 18 hour car ride will be the beginning of a new journey. Though this is my first post of 2013, it will be the first of many. I have many things to talk about and need to remind myself that opening my heart again is important. This is a new chapter and I feel as if it is the final part of my healing. I honestly wonder how I am so fortunate to have been given this incredible life…to have such a sweet family, a tight knit group of friends, and to have met a man who showed me I am worthy of being treated like the most beautiful woman in the world. So here I am…once again on a new path…with my room full of boxes, grateful for this life and in great hopes of what Dallas will soon bring me. To Orlando…this is never “goodbye”…this is “see you soon” and I will never forget what you have done for me.