and then there was one...

Next week, I am going to Florida to take John home . I have been toting him around from state to state, house to house and without avail, unwilling to let him go. Finally, I am ready and so is he. This November 12 th will be the 5 year mark and after all this time, I can say that I am truly in a mindset to place him where he has always wanted to be…in the ocean. You know those daily reminders you receive via social media? Timehop…”On This Day” from Facebook…all letting you know what you did, on this day, 1, 2, 3, etc. years ago? As I approach the 5 year anniversary, I am reminded of what the days were like approaching his leave and what healing has looked like since then. I have been reading back through each blog, at each milestone and cannot believe the life I have had. I am reminded that this little life we have is truly magical and there is so much to be thankful for. I am taking this journey to the beach with Michelle at sunrise…the one who has seen me through this the ...

To me, grace is the perfect word. This word has had such an impact on my self worth and I try to remind myself on a daily basis that grace is a gift. Grace is transcendent just like a few people I have met along the way. Debbie Smith was definitely one of those people. I met Natalie my freshman year of high school during our JV volleyball tryouts and we became instant friends. Though we did not grow up together, we were inseparable since the day we met. It was like we had known each other for years and that friendship permeated throughout our families. My mom loved Natalie and soon became friends with her parents, Wayne and Debbie. There was a beautiful connection between the three that I still have a hard time explaining. They did not go out on weekends, they did not see each other outside of our sporting events much, but when they saw each other on a weekly basis, it was like they were best of friends, as well. Wayne and Debbie knew the struggles my mom went through to support ...

I want to start by updating everyone on my mom’s current health. It is incredible to witness the strength of that woman. She was in a terrifying head-on collision and has lived to tell about it. Though she continues to be in agony and is walking with a cane, she smiles through it all. That Peruvian spitfire will not settle for giving up, but rather be an example of strength and grace through it all. She may have more surgeries in her future and will continue to be in pain for months, maybe even years to come, but that will not stop her from making someone smile or continuing to be my inspiration of that very grace she has shown throughout this ordeal. Oh, how proud I am of my mom and am so thankful that day did not take her away from us. Thank you, God. Now, I bring myself to remember this day, 4 years ago. It has been 4 years to the day that John left this earth. Within those 4 years there have been a lot of tears, grieving, growth, and as of late, a whole lot of smiling. I did n...

I can admittedly say that I stepped away from God these past few years. I was never the perfect Catholic/Christian growing up, nor did I read the bible or say a prayer every night. I would use God when I needed him…leaned on him when I thought he could possibly help…cried out to him in my worst of times…and then completely shut him off and hated him when John passed away. He did not help the situation and did not heal him but rather I felt, he took him away. These past few years, rather than leaning on God or using him as a crutch, I leaned on my family, my friends, and myself. I have not prayed in a long time. I thought those who did pray were weak and those who boasted about how “religious” or “committed” they were to Him were showing off and annoying. I hated the term, “Things happen for a reason…God will show you the way…blah blah blah.” It was too much for me to bare. I was judgmental, feeling hurt, thought love and good vibes could cure all, but at the end of the day, somethin...

A new year brings a new set of resolutions. The thoughts of “I need to…” and “I want to…” ring loud and clear through everyone’s minds whether they admittedly say they have a resolution or not. It is a natural to need and want something different when the upcoming calendar year is a different number. Something I always remind myself of is a New Year means starting fresh and/or starting over. It is a good feeling to put a difficult year behind you and start with a new one in a different mindset. I continue to push myself to be/do better and as we close December, it reminds me I need to step up my active self, both mentally and physically. I know it is the same story for everyone…that is why the gym is packed for a month, or everyone is telling their friends on how eating healthy and taking care of themselves is their “new thing”. In typical fashion and in our own inherently awesome human nature, some resolutions stick and some do not. A year ago, I made the resolution to write more i...

“Things do not get any easier, they just get different .” I have found myself saying this statement a lot this month to my friends and family. I am still in awe that it has been three years. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and other times it feels like it never happened. My heart continues to be full knowing I was a part of his journey and the months leading to the end of his life on earth . There is nothing on this course I would ever change considering I learned so much from him. We cannot change the cards that are dealt but rather tighten our grip on them. You can loosen your fingers and let them drop or you can rearrange their order and your perception of them. John’s birthday, his passing and my birthday are all lumped within a two week span. For the rest of my life, I will continue to have these anniversaries and there is nothing that can be done to change the past. As time continues to go on in my life, new found details of my youth and adding beautiful souls arou...

It has been a little while…the lag in time is purely based on my laziness. I did not want to force a post when I did not know what to say. I have been struggling with how to tell those who are coming into my life, as a new friend, of my past. What is sharing too much and what is sharing too soon? What is not sharing enough? It is easy to say, “I have a past …” but who doesn’t? Who really has not dealt with a loss of a loved one, a loss of part of themselves, being deployed, changing finances, losing jobs, etc. We all have our baggage and we all have a past…many just look different than others. Some are more opaque and some are completely transparent, but again, this does not make mine any worse or any different. It is when you find a trust in those who find that same trust in you is when you can finally reveal just enough about your life…where they are genuinely interested in learning more. You can tell…immediately. You can tell when someone is listening with the intent to know and t...