and then there was one...

I can admittedly say that I stepped away from God these past few years. I was never the perfect Catholic/Christian growing up, nor did I read the bible or say a prayer every night. I would use God when I needed him…leaned on him when I thought he could possibly help…cried out to him in my worst of times…and then completely shut him off and hated him when John passed away. He did not help the situation and did not heal him but rather I felt, he took him away. These past few years, rather than leaning on God or using him as a crutch, I leaned on my family, my friends, and myself. I have not prayed in a long time. I thought those who did pray were weak and those who boasted about how “religious” or “committed” they were to Him were showing off and annoying. I hated the term, “Things happen for a reason…God will show you the way…blah blah blah.” It was too much for me to bare. I was judgmental, feeling hurt, thought love and good vibes could cure all, but at the end of the day, somethin...

A new year brings a new set of resolutions. The thoughts of “I need to…” and “I want to…” ring loud and clear through everyone’s minds whether they admittedly say they have a resolution or not. It is a natural to need and want something different when the upcoming calendar year is a different number. Something I always remind myself of is a New Year means starting fresh and/or starting over. It is a good feeling to put a difficult year behind you and start with a new one in a different mindset. I continue to push myself to be/do better and as we close December, it reminds me I need to step up my active self, both mentally and physically. I know it is the same story for everyone…that is why the gym is packed for a month, or everyone is telling their friends on how eating healthy and taking care of themselves is their “new thing”. In typical fashion and in our own inherently awesome human nature, some resolutions stick and some do not. A year ago, I made the resolution to write more i...

“Things do not get any easier, they just get different .” I have found myself saying this statement a lot this month to my friends and family. I am still in awe that it has been three years. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and other times it feels like it never happened. My heart continues to be full knowing I was a part of his journey and the months leading to the end of his life on earth . There is nothing on this course I would ever change considering I learned so much from him. We cannot change the cards that are dealt but rather tighten our grip on them. You can loosen your fingers and let them drop or you can rearrange their order and your perception of them. John’s birthday, his passing and my birthday are all lumped within a two week span. For the rest of my life, I will continue to have these anniversaries and there is nothing that can be done to change the past. As time continues to go on in my life, new found details of my youth and adding beautiful souls arou...

It has been a little while…the lag in time is purely based on my laziness. I did not want to force a post when I did not know what to say. I have been struggling with how to tell those who are coming into my life, as a new friend, of my past. What is sharing too much and what is sharing too soon? What is not sharing enough? It is easy to say, “I have a past …” but who doesn’t? Who really has not dealt with a loss of a loved one, a loss of part of themselves, being deployed, changing finances, losing jobs, etc. We all have our baggage and we all have a past…many just look different than others. Some are more opaque and some are completely transparent, but again, this does not make mine any worse or any different. It is when you find a trust in those who find that same trust in you is when you can finally reveal just enough about your life…where they are genuinely interested in learning more. You can tell…immediately. You can tell when someone is listening with the intent to know and t...

My New Year’s resolutions consisted of several promises I wanted/needed to keep for myself. A resolution can be a funny beast. You have the best of intentions to own them and do your best, but sometimes you can stare them down without proving you can show movement on your list. One of my resolutions was this blog. I was so great at keeping up with my writing years ago and then let it fall off when I did not feel like talking. Sometimes it felt as if I had nothing to share. In all actuality, I do still have quite a bit to talk about and being lazy about putting my thoughts together took precedent over taking care of my soul like I should have been doing all along. Writing is something that comes so naturally to me and is incredibly therapeutic in ways I could have never imagined. There were other resolutions that followed including more yoga to feel centered and allowing my creativity to flow whether on a canvas or gathering photos for some sort of scrapbook. I did not know the dir...

Ahhhh… perspective . It is a beautiful thing. When you find it, you realize you have missed it so much. It is like that wonderful friend you have not seen in so long and when you finally see them face to face once more, you feel whole.  Last week I went to Michigan to see my family…my beautiful, hilarious, and loving family. A few months ago my parents made the trek to Michigan from Indiana for a great career change my dad was presented with the prior year. I was fortunate to have my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew under the same roof that week. The house was full…full of love and like I said…perspective. I did not realize I had lost it so long ago and then found it until I was on my way home. I was sitting at the Detroit airport, waiting for my flight back, delayed four hours and was in disbelief of what I had experienced that week. I was supposed to be studying…getting ahead on homework for the term but instead was thinking about where I have been the last...

Grief . An incredibly strong statement with so many connotations attached to such a relentless word. It weighs a lot…it can sit on you like a ton of bricks…it can carry you through your time here on earth when you do not know what else to feel…it can push you down and hold you there…it can feel as if it is grabbing your heart and ripping it right out of your chest…it can come unexpectedly and make you feel so small…it can make you feel alone even when there are so many around you who love and care for you…it can be all you think about and even worse, all you dream about…it can break you down on your better days…it is grief. The past year and a half I have been feeling these things periodically and they were pretty much a part of my week to week, not day to day so much anymore. There were a lot more good days than bad but there would randomly be a reminder of loss and that word again…grief. As I would manage this grief, I would keep myself distracted and realized I was making great pr...