and then there was one...

Sitting …crossed legged…staring right in front of me…waiting for something to happen. My site is clearly a blur and there is little noise…just the buzzing of stale air around me. Why am I still sitting? I cannot seem to come to a slow crawl and when I think I have that momentum to lift myself up to do so, something else reminds me I need to sit back down. It happens that way…in waves…I think I am a pretty strong person but am reminded by my surroundings that I am as fragile as a wilted leaf hanging on for dear life half way through the fall season. I am in the midst of my fall. The month of November is already here. Can I say it? I hate November. I hate it with every ounce of my being. Tomorrow is John’s 29 th birthday, the 12 th will be the one year anniversary of his passing, the 15 th was the day of the funeral, and the 17 th will be my 28 th birthday. What a great time to celebrate isn’t it? What is the point really? Is there one? As each day passes with the different d

This post has been a long time coming. I have written thoughts down several times in the last eight months but erase every word at the end…or I start writing and distract myself from feeling the pain of opening up again, so I stop. It is funny how writing now is so hard, but in the thick of it all it was my saving grace. The words would pour themselves on the page and I had no filter. My fingers would start flying across the keyboard and it felt so natural…in the thick of it all. Since 2011 hit, I cannot find the words to save my life . I continue to get encouragement from family and friends to continue writing and even emails from complete strangers. I am reminded how it is an outlet and how good it is for me but again, cannot find the words. I know three words that cannot stop repeating themselves every single day…I miss you. Those words are spoken, thought of, and cried aloud every day. I miss you . Distractions have come to me in many forms since his passing…school, work, fri