Déjà vu

There is no doubt in my mind that things happen for a reason. The pendulum I have been on the last 8 years since losing John has been one of complete and utter desperation to full blown happiness. This post has many angles and without a shadow of a doubt, incredible admiration and emotion. Most of all, though these last few months still make zero sense, I know there has to be a reason or a higher purpose/involvement. Zach’s dad, my father-in-law, has esophageal cancer. Even writing it down brings me to tears much less, thinking about he feels, how Dixie feels, how the Cunningham family feels, how Jenny feels and what Mellie must think, and how overwhelming this must be for my husband. When you go through seeing someone you love fight cancer you think to yourself, “Okay, that’s it. I can’t do another round ever again.” It is all too close and it is all too real. Raw thoughts combined with what needs to be positivity is a constant bridge I cross on a daily basis since finding out Mike has cancer.

If you do not know Mike, you should. He is incredible. He is the unbroken, untamed man everyone wants to be. His life and stories know no bounds and I admire him so much. Since the day I met him, I felt like I was one of his very own. He still makes me feel that way. Zach and I always joke that every time his dad calls, he asks about me rather than the ongoing day-to-day Zach experiences. The day/week we found out he has cancer we were in Vail with our cousins. Zach and I were lying in bed that night in tears. Why is this even touching the untamed man and how can we deal with this as a family?

The bigger story surrounding our tears has somewhat to do with starting our own family. I kept telling Zach that night that it was not fair. “Pops” cannot have cancer because he has not met our little ones yet and he has to, he just has to. Zach and I have been trying to start our own family and to say it bluntly, it is taking longer than we expected. It is heartbreaking to say but it is taking so much longer than we originally thought it would. We are asked constantly about starting our own family and all I can say is “we are trying.”

The last few months have been beyond emotional yet leaning on those around us has been insanely helpful. Jenny and Carolina started a Caring Bridge website that keeps family and friends updated weekly on his treatment and I will do my best on this end. All of this is very raw for everyone, but Mike is responding well to treatment and we could not be more thankful. This is an ongoing battle, and as we speak, Mike is heading back up to Canada to receive another round of chemo. Send your beautiful thoughts and prayers as he continues to fight this and more than anything, send sweet love to Dixie. She is an incredible wife, mother, friend and mother-in-law. I am forever thankful for her and her strength.


It has been a long time. It feels good to be back. <3

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