four years...

I want to start by updating everyone on my mom’s current health. It is incredible to witness the strength of that woman. She was in a terrifying head-on collision and has lived to tell about it. Though she continues to be in agony and is walking with a cane, she smiles through it all. That Peruvian spitfire will not settle for giving up, but rather be an example of strength and grace through it all. She may have more surgeries in her future and will continue to be in pain for months, maybe even years to come, but that will not stop her from making someone smile or continuing to be my inspiration of that very grace she has shown throughout this ordeal. Oh, how proud I am of my mom and am so thankful that day did not take her away from us. Thank you, God.

Now, I bring myself to remember this day, 4 years ago. It has been 4 years to the day that John left this earth. Within those 4 years there have been a lot of tears, grieving, growth, and as of late, a whole lot of smiling. I did not know this much joy was even possible to feel again. I smile knowing that there has been so much growth the last 4 years. I smile in knowing that he has been in a better place for all this time. I smile at the fact that my life is so much better in this moment than I thought it would ever be after losing him, because I am finally understanding what he taught me. Settling and being by myself was never something he wanted after leaving. He told me he wanted me to continue to love and to love again, even though in that moment, I could not fully see what he meant or that great gift he was giving me. Even more so, that great gift he was giving the man who would walk into my life and make me fully understand what John meant. After 4 years, I am in love and I am so incredibly lucky to have lightning strike twice. 

I am in love.

I am in love with a beautiful man…I am in love with his beautiful family…and I am in love with my beautiful life.

Moving on has been a process and it does not mean I have forgotten the path my life has taken. Moving on brings a healthier being and a stronger sense of self. Moving on proves to yourself (because you are the only one you need to prove anything to) that you can live without fear of the future. You can handle the life given to you. You can handle the here and now, the past and what is about to hit you in the future. I can handle all of these things because of my family, John’s family, John’s life, John’s death, my life, and the gift I have been given with this newfound love.

Though I have lost a few friends along the way, it has made room for people and meaningful relationships to open my heart up to, showing me more love. As if I could make any more room, there are new friends who love me through my hard days, along with those who have been unwavering and never left my side.  

This day will always be a tribute to John, a man who made such an impact on so many lives, especially mine. More importantly, this day is a tribute to all of you. So many of you saved my life and I thank you, because without you, I do not know where I would be. Thank you for never questioning where I was in my own grieving and growth. I cannot thank you enough, but I will continue to try to show my appreciation for what you have done.

-Cat